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Thursday, October 27, 2011

iRap

>They say I can't rap... (iyalaya won!!!!!!!)

>Emi ke...

>Emi ko

>Iwo ke...

>Iwo ko...

>Okay...

>All day...

>Anyway...

>Lets goo...

>1, 2...

>I unbuckle my shoe...

>3, 4...

>She unlock my door

>5,6...

>She comot my stick

>7,8...

>I laid her straight

>9,10...

>She gave good head


DISClAIMER: DISCLAIMED...

Oh yes.. finally food is ready....

Bye bye....

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Madam Military


Finishing school wasnt really part of my plan...

Really im still dreading it...

But the events of the past 30 minutes just about will change my thoughts about it...

I finished exams sometime in July, thoughts of what to do next have been playing seious golf and mountain biking in my head... No lele, this things tend to sort themselves out. Next thing I know, I meet up with my boss from IT and he has work for me. So sharpaly, I'm having something to do again. The work I help start at abuja was nearing completion and boss gave me the assignment of putting the users through the new system we developed for the ministry of defense.

Choi, na me just finish uni last week o, and I don enter plane dey go abuja with security clearance and escort waiting for me at the airport..... military style... eshin.... na this work I dey maintain menh...

I arrive abuja and I go to meet my boss. He assigns me my clearance and all those military whatever.... check my ID... reads my name as a project instructor and civilian consultant.... I mean this happens only in movies menh.....

This is lovely menh....
I get to work immediately sorting out how I will teach my new class... people wey fit born me....
Knowing the right way to communicate computer jargons to people like them is tasking but I picked up some skills before so this shouldnt be hard..

*knock knock*
That felt good i wont lie... I'm used to people entering my room at their own will so I let the person knock again.

*knock knock*
Then I say come in and start to tweet about what just happened... while looking at who came in....

*wolf whistle in mind*
The person who knocked was a woman.
She was hot...
She was uniform hot
She was uniformly hot
She was ok u get...

She had this look of 'where is ur oga?' and I reckoned she dint know i would be the one taking the user classes...

I stand to greet her (forgetting I'm the boss here...who dash monkey)...

Good afternoon ma and she sensing weakness uses that against me...
'Yes, what are you doing here, wheres your boss', she says.
'He is in the next office ma', I reply.
'No i mean, the project inspector', she counters.
'Oh that will be me ma', I reply as calmly and without sounding sarcastic as I could.

She gives this look and grunt of this people with connections sha... and asks for the trainee package I just finished.

I tell her to sit, (a statement she dint enjoy) and proposed to start taking charge from there joo

I start to run her through the whole blah blah blah and soon she understood that I was one of the creators of the development and began to drop her 'connection thinking' (if I slap you this woman.. dey tell u say i no go skul'

Before we know it, my boss comes in and tells me he is going back to lagos and gives me the rundown I needed.

I continue talking with the woman as it turns out she is something like the 'classrep'... not bad... she looked gangsta enough
.
I'm not a fan of flat women but i enjoy them just as much....(o_0)

Wait oo...
Just wait a bloody minute
Are you checking her out?
Oh fucking gaddamn.. u r checking this military bitch out....
Hmmmm.... must be the uniform
I love babes in uniform...
Lawyers, doctors, etc :D

We finish our talk and she leaves...
I pack my things and thats when i remembered i hadnt called the friend i was going to stay with...
Hiss
Hiss long
I call my friend wale and he takes his time to pick up...
When he did..... the conversation ended in five seconds...
He said...'guy, on a p things' and cuts..
Ok, less than five.
I understand he has a girl over..... and he isnt going to hear my side tonight....
On a p things means he has planned and set this ball in motion a while back and nothing is going to spoil some weeks plan...

So, i got together my things... two bags and my laptop and lock my office... (ahhh.. no name yet...anyhow sha..:D)....
i walk down to the gate where i sign my key down and walk outside....

Na so one mumu press horn loud behind me..... (oloshi, dey tell u say I deaf)...
I turn to look and I see madam military signing out.... hiss

She finished, looks at me and asks where I'm going... I tell her I'm going to the grand mirage hotel around garki 2.....
She offers to drop me off...(whew).. finding cab will mean i had to walk a while.....

So in I enter and she sees that as we are not in office environments starts to drill me....(not the sex type)... she fires questions after questions.... (whats your bizwax with my primary 1 teachers name)

She then asks why im staying at the hotel...
I contemplate telling her my friend left town but that inner werey that was checking her out somewhat blurted my friend has a girl over for the night so i cant go to to his place....
My audacity stunned her a micro second (or so i wanto believe)...

She then asks if i have a girlfriend... I reply no.. and she starts to fire why and etc...
She finally tells me since I'm going to be in in abuja for a while i can come stay at her BQ... rent the place was what she said... (I'm thinking, see this woman oo.. rent? my guy wont be knacking the whole two months way now... im going back to his place by tomorrow joo).... I tell her no ma, I dont have the money to rent the place and also that I planned on staying at my friends place....

She says ok, I should stay in for the night.

That inner werey says 'ok, that will be nice ma'.
She finally smiled.
I dint notice...
The werey did.
He now turned me to look at her.
She looked at me and asked what?
I said nothing... the werey said 'you have a lovely smile'.
She gave me this dumb look.
And threw the smile.
This time I saw it...
And werey was forming 'I don't give a fuck'
I just don't understand how werey was doing it but he was in charge of the body at that moment cos that was what madam military saw.
She asks what happened with eyebrows raised.
I say nothing and continue tapping on BB that will soon die.

*beep* it does.

We finally get to her house.
She shows me where i would sleep for the night and goes to dish dinner.
Her maid already left but made dinner.

I eat... Sorry we ate together

Each with our own thoughts.

Now i know twas similar.

She finished before me, dropped her dishes and i offered to wash them.
She says thanks, shes going for a bath and leaves.

I start to wash the plate when i hear someone behind me.

I look back and the fear that gripped me cant be explained.

I dropped the plate in my hand from the shock.

Madam military was standing nude covered in soap repeating some words....

Twas later i found out she said.... 'come and scrub my back'


To be continued....

Rich Man VS Poor Man (Story of my holiday)
















Rich Man…. Happy Man

 Please note that the beginning part of this post is story.... Fery fery long one.... and yes... it took me about ... ok i started shortly after easter sha... so please calculate the time...


>Leaving school that Wednesday to the airport with my friend, my thought was Abuja should be fun...

>I was going to celebrate easter with my friends in Abuja...

>Just hang out, do guy things, meet girls and make hook ups for job connect. (graduation already pinged us)...

>All my thoughts were this three day trip/holiday will be madt fun (It should... what could stop it?)...

>Arrived airport, booked our flight and blah blah blah… (oh yeah we did not hook up with those two babes... keeping our game fresh for Abuja i suppose)...

>Tosin and I got back to Ota, went to visit our normal eating joint ‘Amazing grace’ (I don't think the food is that amazing or goes down graceful but then :X)...

>Tosin says lets go to see our first love…

>Now our first love is one woman Tosin, Adebayo, Obaro and some other of our friends can share...

>She is the only one any of us is allowed to visit and you know, have a nice, lovely time when we feel like...

>Maybe because she does not judge us, she understands our needs, she feels our urge to leave school and come and spend a sad time with her...

>Sometimes we are all present at the same time having a good time with her, she takes care of our needs at the same time... (wink)…

>Shes that good…

>She takes care of our needs well except erm..uhmm..the one that remains as a result of her lets say taking care of us…

>She brought about some saying I coined ‘you think its hard sleeping with a broken heart, try sleeping with an erection’…

>You see our first love is a place where we visit and drink palmwine, pelebe (some local drink consisting of things I dont know) and pomo...

>Now you have met our first love..

>I wont ask what your mind was thinking...

>Just smh for you. It's alright. I led you on...

>I tell Tosin we would go later, and we go to school instead…

>Soon we end up at first love where we start to drink away…

>you remember this picture ..... 

>yeah this is first love…

>Well, this evening I was having a mixture of palmwine and pelebe and well into my third cup when I start to feel like there was a possibility to get high tonight...

>Lovely!!!!!!!!

>Something tugs at me to stop that I could get erm uhm hmm (this is why I don't answer my inner warnings because it couldn’t tell me what the danger exactly was.. something it really needs to work on)...

>But I don’t stop and before I know it, we are playing a game of konse konse (concentration).

>Please run away from this game as it has fucked me up everytime I have ever played it..

>The rules are these… someone calls out a group or defines a set say x={names of private schools in Nigeria} and starts to mention them.. the person who misses takes a shot of alcohol.

>Lovely game I tell you…

>We used pelebe instead of alcohol this day even though pelebe is a mixture of all sorts of herbs + alcohol…

>So we started playing and as you would expect, I had to down some shots.. lots of shots…

>I sent a friend a text and told her to get me food that I was drunk and shes like if you were drunk, you wouldn’t say and blah blah blah.. I told her to just get the food.. minutes later I told her not to worry because I couldn’t eat in the state I was in.. so Obaro and I walk back to school.. (Obaro is always walking me to school when I get drunk.. kisses.. please feel to interprete anyway your misguided self helps you to).

>Dear reader, I WAS FUCKING FUCKED UP ALREADY!!!

>I thank God for the fact that in such state, I can still comprehend thongs sorry things very well, I just cant keep a straight path (I will if challenged but you get sha)

>So I walk into school drunk, greet the security guards, laugh and say ‘’ahh, chairman, kosowo menh,tomorrow etc’’

>I get to hostel and before even getting into my room already meroved my shirt, and underwear tee shirt and

>slam!!!  (ok it did not sound slam).

>I just fall on my bed and …………………….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

>Straight up……

>Next thing I remember is I wake up and I got to the toilet at the end of the corridor to pee...

>Sleep again and repeat step above...

>This time from my balcony… toilet far menh...

>Ibrahim sees this and is like ‘Ay im disappointed in you’...

>I'm in my head thinking.. guy you dnt know how far that toilet is sha...

>This time around I feel the urge to puke so I get a bucket and put it beside me on the bed... (I'm always lucid even when drunk... NO! you can't call me a control freak)...

>I'm always in control during alcohol digestion...

>Finally I couldn’t sleep again as I felt the urge to throw up but couldn’t so I stick my hand in my throat and did...

>All the pelebe just came out and first thing I thought was… ‘hiss.. see waste.. why din't me stomach process this now’

>I then start to drink water and throw up more and more...

>By morning, I had thrown up about half of a bucket...

>And my thoart felt like it was on fire so I send my friends to get me gascol for 'heartburn’...

>I was weak, tired and needed sleep… luckily for me my body had to rest to so I was finally able to sleep in the morning...

>Oh I forgot to mention, our flight was 2:35pm so there was time now...

>I woke around 11am and was too weak to do anything, Tosin packed for me...

>I managed to get to the bathroom, just stood under the shower as I was hot...

>Oh I forgot, I was having fever days before that day...

>Finally we leave for the airport and I'm drinking lucozade to gain some energy...

>We get to the airport, get our boarding passes and decide to eat some pizza before our flight was called...

>So Tosin, Esther and I entered double 44 and order pizza...

>By this time I had almost finished a whole gascol trying to treat my ‘heartburn’...

>Then I went to buy ‘gestid’ and started drinking it from there (the pharmacist must have thought that was the new high the way I just opened it and started gulping the shege)...

>Our pizza came and what I had been suspecting was finally confirmed...

>*place dirty thought here*...

>I couldn’t swallow (ok this sounds wrong)...

>I was hungry, I had appetite, I could chew but it was PAIN to swallow...

>Unknown to me my tonsils were swollen, most of my throat was swollen as I felt pain all through to my belly...

>I managed to eat just one slice of pizza that I dint finish (still vexing)...

>At this time, even drinking was PAINFUL...

>Swallowing spit was PAINFUL...

>Plus I had this PAIN constantly in my chest...

>I was in PAINS but no way I was going to let this dampen my fun spirit so I put on a cheerful face and was my normal self safe when the pain took me bad...

>I was with friends and they were concerned.. I don’t want to spoil the trip for them..

>I struck up a convo with my seat partner, met his wife and kids and started a lovely convo...

>There is this convo spirit that comes on me at times and I talk talk and talk about everything possible, make jokes, sensible ones to retarded ones (why cant government work on bumpy roads (turbulence) in the air, has my seat partner taken this road (air route) before? nigga must have had his longest flight ever)...

>I couldn’t eat on the plane...

>By now im holding two bottles of medicine and drinking and thinking it is just slow to act...

>By the time we landed in Abuja, the pain was worse...

>blah blah blah...

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………...........................................................
Rich man…. Happy man

>See, I was in abuja to have fun….

>I had money on me….

>I was going to blow money...

>But you see, I couldn’t swallow...

>Something i do everyday and not notice...

>And hence I couldn’t enjoy myself... (I love food)...

>In short I was in constant pain...

>I was in Abuja from Thursday and by Saturday I still hadn’t eaten anything... :(

>One thing that happened on Friday was we went out and I ordered food for everyone and some for me...

>Thinking noway noway a grub like me would see food and pain wont go...

>Omo it dint oo!!!!!!!!

>I only took a test bite and gave up the food...

>Ordered pepper soup for myself thinking I should at least be able to withstand liquid but same thing...

>Gave it up...

>To my hungry friends who dint waste time clearing up the food...

>So here I was buying and buying and I couldn’t eat a sinlge thing...

>Others were eating and drinking...

>I finally understood what my mom meant when she would pray and say 'Thank you Lord that we are not in the same shoes as the rich man who had to be fed via tube'...

>And the title of this blog struck me...

>Rich man….. happy man…. Life is short...

>I was to spend 3 days in abuja...

>Have a good holiday and get out but somehow this wasn’t to be...

>But one thing is I never let anything get in the way of my fun so not even the fever I was feeling or the tonsil whatever could hold me down...

>I had my fun because I knew I had limited time... (i had to)...

>I had to be happy...

>I actually missed my flight back to lagos on Sunday...

>Lovely!!!!!!!!!!

>While riding back into town, Victor packed the car, Tosin and I got out and started jerking on the road...

>I even stuck my head out of the car roof...

>We had to be stupid.. we were given one more day to enjoy Abuja...

>I was given one more chance to have some fun...

>What I want to bring out is this….

>Somehow somewhere, we lose/lost track of what brings us happiness...

>We lost our reason to be happy...

>We don’t even know what makes us happy...

>People find happiness in a lot of things...

>Money isn’t happiness...

>Yes, money brings happiness... (It really really does)...

>But it can never substitute for it...

>A millionaire that cant take anything except milk isn’t a happy millionaire...

>I was in the middle of happiness but somehow I couldn’t tap into it like i should have...

>I had problem laughing too...

>A rich man is never always the happiest of us all...

>The rich also cry... (big fat salty tears i suppose)...

>I happen to be a very happy, jovial person...

>People reckon I'm always laughing, they have never seen me angry, sad etc...

>People actually find it weird seeing me frown...

>I sometimes get questions like ‘what is wrong with you, you are not looking your self today’... (I was probably hungry or on konji and thinking hot to fix this)...

>Apart from feeling special, it tells me that people see me as a happy person...

>Me in Abuja wasn’t all too happy but seeing as I had a short while to stay managed to gather my happy chi out and have some fun...

>And fun I did have even though I spent Saturday morning in the hospital (that was when the doctor told me I had inflamed tonsils and not heartburns and that I should gargle warm water and salt… what!!!! I should have started that treatment before I left lagos and will be ok by Friday instead of situation getting critical)...

>So here is my advice...

>Life is short (Thurdays – Sunday)...

>Sometimes we get an opportunity and live longer (missed flight and postpones to Monday)...

>We should remember to get the best out of life (be happy)...

>Forget that life is all about money...

>Money you cant enjoy is wasted effort...

>So smile, cry, dance and do everything that makes you happy because one day you will look back and see that it was all that mattered... (and you might be staring down the barrel of a gun... sssmmmiiilllleeee.. :D)...